Jaye Wells

HACK Tackles the Unholy Triumvirate

Dear HACK,

What is your opinion on discussing religion, politics or sex on one’s blog?

-Curious in blogland

Dear Curious,

Sex. Religion. Politics. Oh My!

I think blogging about the Big Three is a great idea. Just be sure to be totally close-minded and irrational. Logical, open-minded debate is dull as hell. People want to be preached to, and who better than you to do it? No matter what though, if someone contradicts you, be sure you invoke Godwin’s Law. People love that shit.

On a related note, I’d like to share some ideas for using the Unholy Triumvirate to your advantage in social situations.

Got in-laws over for dinner, and two hours after dessert they’re suggesting a game of Scrabble? Share a video clip of Japanese girls having sex with eels. I have it on good authority this works like a charm.

Got an annoying coworker who forwards emails preaching the Good News? Send her a link to the Church of Satan.

Got a tree-hugging, vegan, anti-fur demonstrator blocking your path to the Sizzler? Tell her you’re a card-carrying member of the NRA, and you’ve been looking for a Commie to add to your trophy wall.

With practice, you can use these tactics to offend just about everyone. The key though is to keep people guessing. One week you’re a Satanist. The next you’re telling your slutty sister she’s going to burn in hell. Keep people on their toes, and they’ll leave you alone. When you get really good at this–like me–people will actually cross the street to avoid you. Give it time.



P.S. Need links? Google it yourself, you lazy bastard.

Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed by HACK do not necessarily represent the ideas or views of the owner of this blog.

HACK note: Chicken.

10 Thoughts on “HACK Tackles the Unholy Triumvirate

  1. Flood on June 14, 2006 at 6:14 am said:

    Sometimes there’s a good reason to remain anonymous.

    The eel thing sounds interesting though. Those wacky Japanese…

  2. HACK on June 14, 2006 at 6:23 am said:

    Anonymity has its merits. One of which is I can tell you that if you look the eel video up, you’re a sick freak.

  3. Scott on June 14, 2006 at 3:58 pm said:

    Hack, I do believe you have the right idea. My ideas are damped down. I need to cut it loose. Thanks!

  4. HACK on June 14, 2006 at 4:08 pm said:


    Let ‘er rip, my good man! Just be sure to cover the jewels. Purses hurt like a bitch.


  5. Mitch on June 14, 2006 at 6:53 pm said:

    Was this post in any way inspired by a priest gay committing himself to god?

    just curious.

  6. Jaye Wells on June 14, 2006 at 7:03 pm said:

    Mitch, I can’t speak for the mysterious ways HACK’s mind works.

  7. HACK on June 14, 2006 at 8:42 pm said:

    Gay priests? That’s another cool way to piss people off. Be sure to use that with all your Catholic friends.

  8. Mitch on June 14, 2006 at 9:50 pm said:

    One down…ya know, I’m not entirely sure any of my other friends are Catholic…..Mission Accomplished!

  9. Jaye Patrick on June 17, 2006 at 3:56 am said:

    Have you got that link to the Church of Satan? I’ve got an annoyingly sweet, Christian colleague who simply doesn’t get it that I’m a pagan!

    I mean what? All I need is enough Christian e-mails and I’ll turn into one?

    She sends me those *&$@ chain e-mails, too… maybe I should reply by sending her the “Camel-toe” music video…

  10. HACK on June 18, 2006 at 9:49 pm said:

    Jaye: Desperate times call for depserate measures. It’s time to send her the eel video. Trust me, she won’t come within five feet of you or your email box after that. Just be sure you have the lawyer on speed dial.

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