Jaye Wells

Swine

Quick one today.

Random Topic of the Day: Sowbelly Pills

I received an email in my inbox yesterday that included this somewhat intriguing line:
“Want to know how to save over 60% on your sowbelly piIls?” (sic)

What? Sowbelly pills? Someone please explain to me what condition would be so horrible that one would have to resort to ingesting sowbelly. A quick search on google revealed numerous links to penis growth and “Staying power” web sites. I’m sorry, but if you’re trying to be sexy, telling a woman that your prowess is due to the miracle of sowbelly just ruins the mood. Although it does give a whole knew meaning to the term “porking.” Also, unless I am incorrect, a sow’s belly is made up of–hmm, what could it be?–FAT. Why not just drink a cup of lard, guys? Hold on baby, I gotta go drink my lard befre I can sex you up. Ok, I have to stop thinking about this.

Tonight is my first critique group meeting. Please send good chi into the universe for me that my dreams don’t crash and burn tonight. How’s that for a “glass is half full” outlook?

Thank you, hubby and Jennifer E., for your comments. Jennifer wins because she answered all the questions.

Aren’t you people jealous? It could have been you who was immortalized. But no, you’re too good to answer my questions. Luckily, there is a chance today to redeem yourself.

Random Question of the Day: What is the strangest beauty or health routine you’ve ever used?

Here’s mine: I used to use that Mane and Tail stuff they use on horse’s coats on my hair to make it thick. It worked, but it also gave my hair the constency of straw.
My aunt uses this stuff called Pig Paste, I guess they give it to pigs for something, but she uses it for indigestion. It actually looks like a tube of toothpaste, except for pigs.

Hmm. Pig Paste? Sowbelly? I sense a theme today. Ok I am signing off, so I don’t hog the internet. (God, I’m witty.)

Jaye

P.S. Zivy and I are still waiting to give out advice. People, it’s free. Throw us a bone here.

Mooses and Foosball

Good morning! First the kudos: Yay, Lina! Thanks for taking the time to answer the Random Question. You’re right, an extra arm would be pretty handy. (Get it? Handy?)

Look people, Lina has a newborn and she had time to answer the question. What’s your excuse? Oh, you think my question sucked? I’ll try better today. But first on to other business.

Random Topic of the Day: Moose

Have you ever stopped to ponder the majestic moose? Actually majestic isn’t really appropriate. When I was in Montana once I saw a couple of moose at pretty close range. Frankly, moose are goofy. Yes, they could squash you easily; they’re tall and have huge antlers (I think that’s what they call them on moose). But they have these big noses, floppy ears, and legs too skinny and long for their bodies. They kind of lumber around. And furthermore who the heck came up with the grammar rules regarding the moose? They should be shot. Seriously, the name does nothing to add to the animal’s dignity. The word “moose” itself is pretty silly, but the plural is just ridiculous. An example: Several moose are silly. See? It just sounds wrong. Why not “mooses”? What is wrong with that? Let’s all take a moment today to consider the injustices imposed on our friend the moose.

Spawn anecdote alert! Yesterday, Mr. Jaye had to go to the Ranger’s game for work (don’t get me started). So Spawn and I decided to go to McDonald’s for dinner. He could play and I could eat in peace. Good deal for everyone. But we had to go to a specific McDonald’s, or Old McDonald’s as Spawn calls it. This special McDonald’s has foosball. My child discovered this game last week and frankly hasn’t stopped talking about it sense. What is it with males and foosball? I guess it’s a testosterone thing. So Spawn had a grand time climbing in the Play Land tunnels and slides in between pushing his way into other people’s foosball games. After a few minutes I realized I hadn’t seen in him a while. So I get up and around the corner he is sitting at someone else’s table. The mom and her son were eating ice cream. As I walked up I heard the joy of my loins say “Where’s my ice cream?” Yes, my child was begging a stranger for food. I had to buy him a cookie to get him to leave with me. Sigh.

OK, you’ve been waiting anxiously for the question of the day. I can feel the eagerness to answer my inquiries radiating through the screen. Today I am asking more than one question to up the odds of receiving interesting responses. Are you ready?

Wait for it.

Random Questions of the Day:
What word or words make you cringe?
What is your favorite all time Saturday Night Live Skit?
What is the weirdest meal or dish you have ever eaten?

Have fun! As usual, the best answers get recognition tomorrow.

Cheers!

Monkeys, Toots, and Giants–Oh My!

Happy Monday!

Today’s Random Topic: Monkeys

I like monkeys. A lot. They’re hairy and fun. But best of all? They have tails. I have often longed for a monkey tail of my own. My tail would be long with a pad at the tip for gripping. Imagine the possibilities! Hands full of groceries? Let the tail get the door. Can’t shove chocolate into your mouth fast enough with two hands? Tail to the rescue. I know that a tail would cause problems. How would one wear pants? What is the etiquette if someone misinterprets an innocent tail swish as an aggressive act? Would it make me have one of those red butts? If the last possibility could happen I would definitely have to scrap the whole idea. Before we had a kid, Mr. Jaye and I talked about creating our own race of humans with tails. We’d have our own Island of Dr. Moreau (written by H.G. Wells–no relation) populated with tailed kids. Sadly, Spawn was born sans tail. We love him anyway. End of topic.

Ah, the joys of motherhood. Although there are infinite examples of indignities from the day you become pregnant on, perhaps one of the worst experiences in the life of a mother is potty training. The dialogue alone is enough to make less brave souls cringe. An example: “Can you toot? Push! Yay! You pooped!” Enough said about that subject.

Spawn made us very proud yesterday. We were in the play area at a local mall. Luckily our visit was almost over because if we stayed after this incident it would not have been pretty. A large man, a very large man, came into the area with his son. Now when I say large, I mean like 6’5″ AND obese. Little Spawn’s voice rang out over the din, “Mom, it’s a giant!” We hushed him as we hurriedly put his shoes on. He felt this information was too important to be ignored. So louder this time, he said, “It’s a giant, Mom!” We ran away lest the giant eat us.

I have decided to add a new feature to my blahg. Yes, I know it’s only my second day doing this, but let’s all be willing to evolve a bit, shall we? The new feature is called “Random Question of the Day.” I will ask a question and you can answer it in the comments section. The person with the best answer will be mentioned in my next entry. That’s correct! If you’re clever, you will be immortalized in Jaye’s Blahg! Lucky you! Now on to the question.

Random Question of the Day: What additional body part would you add to make your life easier and why?

Have fun with that one! Hope you have a great day.