Jaye Wells


I am in a ranty mood. Therefore, the random topic today is a rant about random news tidbits from this week.

Item One: A Seattle entrepreneur is hiring the homeless around town to hold a sign advertising his web site. Advocates are upset because he calls it “bum-vertising.”
Analysis: Shut up, advocates. I am sick of semantic wars in this country. As if not calling them bums is the real issue. Everyone knows that the real issue is that this entrepreneur is exploiting an asinine marketing plan.
Hmm? What? You thought I was going to say he exploited the homeless? Whatever. No one is forcing them to do this; in fact he’s giving them a job. Plus they are making easier money holding his sign than they make begging for spare change. Now back to my argument. Do you really want a guy standing on a street corner next to his poor little dog and all of his earthly possessions in a cardboard box as the face people associate with your budding business? Did I mention that the web site this guy runs is to connect gamblers from around the world? Hello? What message does this send? “If you use my web site, you could end up just like this man holding the sign when you gamble your life savings away. Check us out!”

Item Two: According to Phenomenamagazine.com, which we all know is a phenomenal news source, stated that “The film version of The Da Vinci Code is attempting to reduce the offence that the best-selling book caused to Roman Catholics.”
Analysis: Huh? So if you take out Mary Magdalene, the sacred feminine, Opus Dei, the Priory of Scion, the ritual sex scene, and the whole offspring of Jesus thing what are you left with? People chasing Tom Hanks around Paris for no reason. Might as well change the name to the Duh Boring Code. Some Catholic groups have asked that at the very least a disclaimer be added to the movie that reminds viewers that the story is fiction.
IT IS? That’s the first I heard, I thought Dan Brown was a prophet sent to reveal the truth of the Vatican’s millenia-long cover-up about an affair between Jesus and Mary Magdelene. If you can’t trust a fiction writer to tell the truth, who can you trust?
People, I’m sorry but can we all just giver each other a little more credit?

Wheh! I feel better. Don’t you. Yeah yeah I know bigger things are going on in the world. But these two things got me going. You’re lucky I didn’t attempt to analyze the dragon sighting in Tibet. Yeah, I’m totally not kidding about that one. Check it out: http://www.theepochtimes.com/news/5-8-7/31030.html#farko

Haikus for Kelley’s Bachelorette-You decide which one reflects the plans
Chick flicks and popcorn
Slumber party and gossip
Girlfriends hanging out

Booze, veils, anarchy
Prepare your bail money now
Revenge will be mine

Which one will it be? Bwahahaha. Start hydrating, girl.

Come Back Tomorrow

I was going to be clever and write a haiku about the reason I am not really posting today. However, I have been up since 3 am. with a sick kid who seems to get more energetic with each hour despite the periodic vomiting. So I am afraid you will have to go elsewhere for your daily dose of blahg goodness. Be back tomorrow.


Lightning-1, Technology-0

Hello, fans! Have you been waiting and wondering why you couldn’t get your daily dose of Jaye’s Blahg to help you through the last couple of days? That brings us to the random topic: Technology.

No matter how advanced we become, the primary lesson we have yet to embrace is that Mother Nature can trump any solution we develop to make life easier. Take the other day for example. I was thrilled. It was finally raining after WEEKS of dry weather. The cracks in my yard were alarming. So, as I said, happy for the rain. The sonic boom of lightning that almost hit my house? Not so much. Some of you may recall the the Wells family seems to be stalked by lightning, as our last house suffered a direct it from a bolt. This time wasn’t naerly as bad as the last, but it did fry our modem, the sensors on the garage door, and the DirecTV receiver in our bedroom. The result: No blahg, it’s a pain in the ass to shut the garage door, and no Nick Junior to buy us extra sleep when Spawn bursts into our room at 7 in the morning. The bottom line: I got more done yesterday without a computer than I have in the last 4 months since I got my lap top. Laundry? Done. Potty Training? Going well. Floors? Swept. Son? Happy to have mom get on the floor and play with him. So while I felt a little itchy all day because I wasn’t hooked into the Information Superhighway, I think maybe Mother Nature did me a favor.

I am now officially taking requests for haiku subjects. Want someone mocked? Want to test my skills? Bring it!

Saketinis, Birthdays, Crazy Family

Random Topic: Saketini
I discovered this weekend that I am way too old to drink more than an occassional glass of wine. The culprit: saketinis. Many many saketinis. Well actually I have some rum, gingerale concotion first and then moved on to the saketinis. I am here to tell yout that saketinis will sock it to you–a fact I announced loudly several times at Emily’s birthday party on Saturday night. I was not talking so loud Sunday morning when I had to get up to go to a family gathering at my granparent’s house. My penance for overindulgence was playing dutiful granddaughter with a queasy stomach and trying to wrangle a grumpy toddler. I don’t think it would have been so bad had I not also had a mojito bender on Thursday night. I am such a lush.

OK so what’s up. Hmm. Let’s see. Oh, is anyone else’s month crazy insane with events? With showers. birthdays,etc. I have every weekend booked and then some. People let’s stop having sex in November. Let’s spread the birthdays out a bit shall we? Look I know I am as guilty as everyone else since my own precious son’s birthday is on Aug. 20. But this is a do as I say not as I do proposition.

Haiku time!

Haiku for my family:
You are all crazy
Miracle Two is for freaks
Was I adopted?

Happy BDay, Red

Good morning. Pardon me if there are a lot of mistakes. It’s the mojito’s fault. The many, many mojitos.

First of all let me say HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY to Emily! Hope it’s a good one, Red.
Also I received a lecture from the birthday girl last night for not giving her credit for suggesting the idea of the online dating blunder blog from two days ago. So, thanks Emily.

Random topic of the day: Emily’s Birthday Party
We are celebrating Mrs. Armour’s brthday tomorrow night. She knows there’s a party but not the theme. I can’t hold it in any longer. I have to tell her.
Emily, it’s an Elvis birthday for you! Are you excited? Elvis Herselvis will be making a return appearance. For those of you who don’t know: Emily was hit on by a female Elvis impersonator at her 21st birthday. I believe Miss Herselvis even gave Emily a gift–a gold lame scarf. I bet if you look in all the boxes Emily and John have stacked up in their house right now you would find that scarf. In addition to the live entertainment, we’ll serve fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches and Jack Daniels. Oh yeah, see the midget for your requisite qualudes. Favors will include Elvis sunglasses, a set of lamb chop sideburns, and, of course, an rainbow assortment of uppers and downers to help you get through the day.
Anyway, I hope I didn’t ruin the surprise. After all John is going to have to get her into polyster jumpsuit before she comes over anyway. Girl, I picked it out myself. I hope you like the eagle made of rhinestones, elbow maccaroni, and sequins that I painstakingly fashioned on the back. The excrutiating hot glue burns were worth it.
Mocking Haiku of the Day: I already published Emily’s haiku, but I promised Suz that she would be the next victim. You people are gluttons for haiku punishment, aren’t you?

Suzanne’s Haiku, compsed in the style of a legalease
Torts and cheesy pouf
Many dictum you have known
Litigious napper

Have a good day!


No random topic today–just haikus galore.

Austin’s Haiku:
Darling and Demon
Precocious clown and mimic
Why can’t you sit still?

Haiku for the Jews:
You wear yarmulkes
Unleavened bread and Seder
Why all the kvetching?

Tom Cruise’s Haiku
Why all the crazy?
Katie is now a zombie
L. Ron Hubbard sucks

Haiku for Oprah
Oh, goddess of talk
Is Gayle your friend or lover?
Poor Steadman is whipped.
(Note: Oprah, I am just kidding, girl. Call me!)

Hope you enjoyed the haiku goodness. Have a great day.



Random Topic: Ok today I am doing something different. First, Kelley wanted me to telle veryone about a fabulous new product she discovered. They’re called “Strappy Strips” for slingbacks.
Kelley said , “I can now wear slingbacks without them falling down! It also says to put them on any strap that digs or rubs. Fabulous. I may go door to door with these puppies!” Quite an endorsement. Kelley said she got hers at the Stewart Weitzman Store, but she would bet that Sephora carries them too. I found them on drugstore.com too.
Also for your viewing pleasure, I am submitting a couple of fun links.
I found these on the Katie MacAlister website (www.katiemacalister.com). She’s an author of hilarious paranormal and historical romance and suspense. Anyway, she posted these on her own blog, so I can’t take credit for discovering them. Be prepared to waste a lot of time with these beauties.

First is a collection of satirical analysis of various fashion patterns and trends throughout the 20th century. Hilarious commentary. http://www.threadbared.com/
Second, a really great time waster. You get to adjust the model’s appearance to reflect your own features and dress her. Then you get to watch yourself get dressed! It’s sounds lame, but it’s pretty fun. http://www.watchmechange.com/
I have decided that I will now shamelessly promote products on my blog in the hopes that sponsorship will follow. After all, how many wealthy writers do you personally know? Sure that Rowling chick is richer than God, and James Patterson and Dan Brown are doing pretty well. But most writer’s live off the coolness factor of saying their a writer more than the actual advances. Others do it for a pure love of storytelling. Why do I do it, you ask? I want to get on Oprah.

Mocking haiku of the day:

Zivy’s Haiku, in the style of Australia
By Jaye Wells, bard

Hear the dingos cry
Backward thongs chaffe down under
You’re very short, mate

Have a great day!

Stop the Footwear Insanity!

Happy Monday to all of my loyal readers, all three of you. 🙂

Today’s Random Topic: Shoes
Shoes make women crazy. One day I was eating lunch at a crowded chain restaurant. I happened to look up from my conversation with my friends in time to see a woman walk past the half wall that I faced. Hmm, I thought, she’s very tall. Curious, I followed her as she moved beyond the wall. First I noticed the standard issue Sunday church dress, complete with sailor collar and floral print. I scanned down and almost choked on my quesadilla.
Her shoes? Clear lucite stiletto heels with an open toe. Now normally this would be enough for my inner fashion police to make a mental citizen’s arrest. But then I saw them: the flashing purple lights in the heels of the shoes. Not only did this woman had an affinity for hooker footwear, but she wanted to shout to the world “Me love you long time in my bad ass flashing shoes!”
The juxtaposition of the dress to the shoes was so beyond my comprehension that I felt the same way I do when I try to contemplate time travel or the concept of infinity–impending aneurysm. Look, I am not against flashing shoes per se. Spawn is very proud of his Elmo sandals that light up when he walks. The idea works well with children’s foot apparel because kids are cute and can carry off the novelty footwear. However, adults should never wear light-up shoes. Adults are not cute. Adding lights to already horrible shoes does not make them “cool” or “funky fresh” or whatever jargon the whipper snappers are using today. I have never quite recovered from the Infamous Flashy Ho Shoe Incident. But it just goes to prove that shoes make women insane in the membrane.

It was a pretty good weekend. I received the critique forms back form the contest judges. Two judges reviewed my submission. Some of their comments include:

“Interesting new story line–well-drawn characters”
“I can’t wait to read the rest”
“I was sorry there were only 14 pages. Iloved it!”
“I like the way this chick [Sydney, the heroine in the story] thinks!”
“I can’t wait until it’s published. I want to read all of it.”

Two out of two judges really liked my writing. Yay me! I am so pumped up from this feedack that I rewrote three chapters this weekend. Only 17 more to go. I also came up with the story ideas for the next three books in this series, including titles.

Haiku Mocking Victim of the Day: Mr. Jaye

A computer nerd
Like Lord Viper Scorpion
You can’t sing or dance

Amendment: Kelley recommended that I do Zach’s haiku in Yoda speak. So here goes.

Cyber nerd, you are
Battle the dark side, you should
Sing and dance, you don’t

Note form author: If you don’t get other people to start reading my blog then I will run out of people to mock. Please, save the “mocking haiku of the day” bit. Do it for the children.

That is all.



Today’s Random Topic: Platypus

Did you know that the plural of platypus is both platypi and platypuses?How cool is that? Not only is the animal itself a freaky amalgamation of other animals but it’s one of the one nouns I know of that has your choce of plural endings. Now some pity the platypus. Not I. Imagine being so versatile. You’re a mammal but you can lay eggs. When you swim underwater you can close your eyes and ears; your extremely sensitive beak is all you need to navigate. In my opinion, the platypus is a wonder of evolution. Sure it’s a goofy looking little bastard. But that also adds to its appeal. Plus, don’t be so quick to write our friend off as harmless. I just found out that the male platypus has spurs on its hind legs. With a swift kick he can deliver enough venom from those spurs to kill a dog or make a human sick. So next time yo see a platypus, tip your hat and say “I salute you platypus: goofy but dangerous freak of evolution.”

Gosh, I bet you’re saying to yourself, “Thank heaven I have Jaye’s Blahg. I now have a compendium of useless facts and trivia to use at cocktail parties.” Imagine the impressed looks you’ll at yoru next party when you bust out with platypus factoids. No, no don’t thank me.

OK, things are looking good with the book. Last night I completed my story board. For those of you wondering what this entails I’ll tell you. I take a poster board and divide it into 20 squares (1 per chapter). Then I use large Post Its to write a synposis of each scene from each chapter. So each box may end up with 2 to 4 post its. I also color code the Post Its to indicate the point of view the scene is written in, i.e., pink for the heroine, blue for the hero, and yellow for a subcharacter. But the process isn’t complete until I have driven hubby crazy. “Argh, I hate this scene!” “Get me more Post Its!” “I am starting over-AGAIN.” “Get me a diet coke!” “I hate these characters!” I’m not positive but I think Zach secretly wears ear plugs then when he sees my mouth moving he says some appropriately supportive phrase. “You can do it, honey.” “Yes, dear.” “Uh huh.”

I decided I really, really like to mock my friends. Today’s victim is Kelley. I liked Em’s haiku so much I decided to use is as my trademark mocking tool.

The fruit loop sayer
Hijacking buses is wrong
You fall down a lot

If you’d like to be next, let me know.

Mock Away

Happy Thursday!

Random Topic of the Day: Pens
I am a pen-aholic. I have more pens in my home than I could possibly ever use. It’s interesting too that I write on a computer and not long-hand on paper. Thus my need for pens is further diminished. But still I buy pens. I only buy blue ink pens. Occassionally I’ll get crazy and buy a red one (but that’s the editor in me). OK this topic is really boring. The new topic of the day is that I couldn’t think of an interesting topic. Look, it happens. I can’t be witty every moment of the day, people. I promise to think of something really good for tomorrow’s post.

More good news. When the contest called to tell me about my placement they said I got third. But it turns out they were wrong: I tied for second! The book is going on to an editor who loves humorous parnormals. Actually he was the editor of one of my favorite authors, and my book is similar in tone to hers. Also, I think I figured out my plot–finally. So now I have to scramble to finish this book in case Mr. Editor wants to see more. It’s good to have something driving me to finish it.

Emily commented that she would really dig it if I mocked my friends. She even said she would love for me to mock her. While I protest that this may be a mine-ladden battlefield for our friendship, I have to do what the lady asks. So here goes. The mock will occur in Haiku format.

Purse hoarder, large head
Cat torture is not common
Stop organizing!

If you would like your very own mocking Haiku, or would like to be mocked in another fashion, please let me know. There is plenty of mock to go around.