Jaye Wells

Not much going on today. I am reading about New Orleans and kicking myself. Obviously I feel horrible for everyone along the Gulf Coast. But I have been talking about taking a trip to New Orleans for years and never did it. Now who knows how the city will fare after beingu nder 20 feet of water. Guess it just goes to show not to put things off. Oh yeah and it also proves that levees suck. I’ll tell you one thing:They’re going to need to wash the entire city in Lysol. One word: Coffins. Eek!

Spawn starts school again tomorrow. Yippee! Now I will have three mornings a week to do nothing but write. I need to have the book done by mid- to late October. Anyone want to volunteer to cook and clean for my family while I try to complete 3 chapters a week? No? Traitors.

Random Topic of the Day: Fighting Wrong
It recently came ot my attention that at a certain bachelorette party, which shall not be named except to call the bride Shelly, a crime against an innocent occured. I knew that a penis cake was involved, and hey, who doesn’t love penis cake? But then I discovered that the perp despoiled a beloved cartoon character cake pan to create the naughty confection. Yes, that’s right, Dora the Explorer is no longer an innocent Latina girl solving problems with the help of her monkey, Boots. Now she will be forced to leave her childhood behind and become a crack ho in L.A. with Boots, the sex monkey. Of course she’ll take her backpack with her. No longer will backpack provide necessary supplies for exploring, like sticky tape, flash lights, or rope. Instead backpack will be overflowing with her crack pipe, the king dong dildo, and her trusty cat o’ nine tails. Is nothing sacred? Next thing you know you’ll be using the 101 dalmations cake in the form of a woman, with the Winnie the Pooh behind her doing the nasty or in front of her receiving oral pleasure.
Note how the people who took this picture strategically covered Pooh’s special place with a piece of paper. Sure he looks innocent and happy wth his big tummy and festive balloon, but behind closed doors he’s a stone cold sex fiend.
Are you happy now? Spawn wants to play Dora Candy Land. No haiku for you perverts today!

Gun Toting Hubby and Jude Law

Random Topic: Guns
You may be aware that my family is…colorful. We’re a little bit country, a little bit rock ‘n roll, and a lot of crazy. Last Sunday we went out to my aunt Loraine’s house. She and her family live in Decatur, north of Denton. They live on a farm-ish type property complete with two goats, several dogs and a horse. I am not trying to mock my aunt cause her place is pretty cool and her wing of the family is probably most sane. However, while I didn’t question this while we were there, I had a thought this morning: Is it odd that my family felt the urge to shoot skeet during a three-year-old’s birthday party? I mean, a piñata? Sure. Pin the tail on the donkey? Bring it. Firearms? Hmmm. In addition to the incongruity of this activity at a child’s party, is that fact that my own hubby got out there to shoot–and he was good. How have I lived with a man for 6 years without knowing he could shoot a shotgun accurately? Just goes to show, we seek out what we know. Which is why in my efforts to escape my earthy roots, I married a man who has slaughtered a pig and can shoot a javelina at 50 paces. Sigh. Good thing he’s well-hung.

Haiku for Jude Law
Shame on you Jude Law
Screwing the help; I think you…
Are hot anyway


Random Topic of the Day: The appeal of men on motorcycles
Recently, I read an article about a survey done to figure out why woman find men on motorcycles so appealng. Personally, I am a Ducati woman myself. But there are those who prefer the more…earthy… Harley guys. To each his own, but the undenialable fact is that many of us are drawn towards men who own some kind of bike. Some of the reasons listed for the appeal of these men included: a little extra testosterone oomph, a sense of spontaneity, getting in touch with one’s wild side, and feeling more feminine next to him.
Okay, all good points, but can we be honest? The truth is that women find men on motorcycles attractive because they own 400-pound vibrators. Furthermore, when they wear their helmets, they look like man-sized penises riding around town. I think that’s all I need to say about that.

Haiku for Scarlett Johansson
Mickey heard the screams
The Kingdom flooded with tears
Scarlett killed Goofy

Topic of the Day: CoqRoq
Have you seen the new Burger King Coq Roq ads? Check out this web site put out by Burger King as a marketing ploy for their new “cool” marketing campaign: www.coqroq.com
The freakin’ apocalypse is upon us. Repent your sins now.

Haiku of the Day: Eminem
Slim Shady, my ass
Sleeping pills are for pussies
Who is the bitch now?

Note: Thank you Emily for the subject idea.

Is it odd or cute that my son barks at the Chinese food delivery man the entire time he’s at the door?

Not much to say today. Still waiting for suggestions for the haiku. Ia m not a clown for your amusement, I need some audience participation.

What the Bleep Do I Know?

Today’s Topic is part movie review/part investigative journalism. Have you seen the movie What the %$#*! Do We Know? It is a movie that is part documentary and part narrative that is used to explain the concepts explored in the interviews. Ziv told me about it and my local blockbuster had 3 copies. Pretty impressive for a movie that was privately funded and is being marketed mostly through word of mouth.
What are they discussing? Quantum physics and the nature of human existence. Fun! Actually the movie is very interesting and brings up some ides about the way we experience the world that I found eye opening. They discuss the effects out thoughts have on our reality, they talk about people being addicted to certain emotions, they discuss the fact that we are all connected. Those of you who read the Celestine Prophecy might see some similarities in tone and the way the ideas are exemplified through the action of the movie.
In other areas I found that some of the ideas reminded me of The Matrix. You know when Neo is in the program, he can alter things because the normal laws of physics don’t apply. Well these people are basically saying that because of quantum physics, we know that we can control the outcome of things, including our own realities. I believe that the choices we make dictate our lives, but these people say that matter has no concrete form and we can basically change it with our minds. I am not a scientist and wouldn’t even begin to know how to verify the science in this movie. However, one of the scientist interviewed has come forward and said his findings were taken out of context.
A lot of the ideas and recommendations are confusing and convoluted. The actual movie part of the film is kind of weak, and, while there are some funny scenes, a lot of it is just weird. The film makers did not include the names of the interview subjects (mostly scientists) until the end of the movie. One of the speaker kept catching my eye. A blonde woman with sparkling eyes and an accent to rival Zsa-Zsa Gabor, she had some very profound things to say. Then I got to the end where I saw that this woman was “Ramtha.” Huh? I went to the movie web site. I knew I was in trouble when I saw in the FAQ that some people have accused the film of being a recruiting effort from the Ramtha School of Enlightenment (RSE), which of course the movie makers deny, saying that the message is more important than the messenger. Riiiiight. Then in the dossiers of interviewees I lost almost all faith in the tenants of this movie.
“One of the great enigmas that scientists have studied in the last decade is Ramtha, a mystic, philosopher, master teacher and hierophant. His partnership with American woman JZ Knight, his channel, still baffles scholars.”
Yeah it baffles scholars how any sane people can actually believe that this woman actually channels a really old dude. I went to the RSE web site and found that not only is Ramtha 35,000 years old, but he lived on an island that neighbored Atlantis. Enough said. Except one more thing: all three film makers are members of RSE.
I believe that some of their ideas are salient, however it is nothing that most self help gurus already preach: the power of positive thinking, etc. I would recommend seeing the movie, but just see it knowing that it is a tool to explain the philosophy and teachings of a 35,000 year old man from Atlantis.

Haiku for Enlightenment
Oh, why are we here?
Ramtha knows and you can too,
Just bring your check book

Handy Dandy Debacle

Random Topic of the Day: The Search for the Handy Dandy Notebook
The milestone in parenting I will be discussing today is finding the right gift. Spawn is now aware of the concept of birthday. He knows there will be cake and he knows there will be presents. Oh yes, the presents. When asked what he wants for his big boy happy birthday, Spawn repsonded with a resounding “Handy Dandy Notebook so I can find clues.”
For the uninitiated, the Handy Dandy Notebook is a feature of the show Blue’s Clues. Joe, the host, looks around for clues that a dog named Blue leaves by marking them with a paw print. Joe draws the clues in his notebook to keep track of them. Apparently Spawn has decided he needs to be in on the clue finding. No sweat–or so I thought.
After going to three major toy retailers I was starting to get nervous. Every corner and shelf held the promise of the notebook, only to have hopes shattered. Okay, time ot pull out the big guns and find these bad boys online. Every major site and many smaller sites would tease with links to the notebook only to find the dreaded “Discontinued” or “Backorder” label. Ebay had several results, but one freak wanted $20 for a notebook. I love Spawn but that’s highway robbery. Plus there’s the whole end of auction timing and shipping delay problem. I had people looking in Houston and Seattle; I posted my need on a message board I frequent. Then I suddenly realized that Party City carries Blue’s Clues themed party supplies. My new best friend, who wasn’t as enthusiastic about our new friendship as me, at Party City informed me that they do carry Handy Dandy Notebook favors. And get this: FOUR notebooks with crayons come to a package! Cue in the Hallelujah Chorus! Thanks go to hubby for running to the store after work to ensure our little man gets his Handy Dandy Notebooks for his big boy happy birthday. That, my friends, is called a happy ending.

Speaking of the hubster, poor guy is the current victim of the dreaded stomach virus that has swept through the Wells’ household in the last week. Once he’s better it’s going to be disinfection city in this place.

In other news, does anyone else but me think this is strange? http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-chef16.html

No. 1 is one I wrote for Emily to comemorate her dumping a guy years ago at New York Subs near SMU.
Tears fall on my sub
Did she just break up with me?
Cold cut for a heart

No. 2: Blue’s Clues Haiku
Here’s a clue for you:
Stop leaving paw prints everywhere
You little blue bitch

Pinatas and Nausea

Random Topic: Parenting Milestones
Yesterday I finally pulled myself up off the couch from my stomach bug induced comma and decided it was time to see the sun again. Spawn’s birthday is coming, so I decided to run out and get some much needed errands done. I could blame my decision on dehydration. I know the tales. I’ve see America’s Funniest Videos. But still I did it. I bought a piñata.
Eight children under the age of 3 will be at this party. So before you think I am a total dunce and have no kid sense, please know that this is not the original whack and crack piñata. This one is the new type with ribbons along the bottom. Kids take turns pulling the ribbons until the one super ribbon rips the bottom out and candy and toy goodness spew forth. So my main concern is not the whole “sending Molly to the hospital after she is beamed on the head” dilemma. No, my concern is of the “sending Molly to the hospital after Spawn tackles her trying to wrestle a piece of Double Bubble from her sticky grasp” variety. Ah, well, nothing is more fun than a bunch of preschoolers duking it out.

This weekend sucked. I could have been in Houston, helping Kelley and my girls party it up. But instead I had my head hung over a toilet. I could have spent too much money buying Kelley embarrassing items at the Passion Party and stuffed too many dollars into Lars the stripper’s undies. Instead, I nibbled saltines and sipped gatorade. Sigh. Hope you guys had fun without me. I know I didn’t have fun without you.

Haiku for A Stomach Flu
Head in the toilet
Gatorade is salvation
At least I lost weight


I am in a ranty mood. Therefore, the random topic today is a rant about random news tidbits from this week.

Item One: A Seattle entrepreneur is hiring the homeless around town to hold a sign advertising his web site. Advocates are upset because he calls it “bum-vertising.”
Analysis: Shut up, advocates. I am sick of semantic wars in this country. As if not calling them bums is the real issue. Everyone knows that the real issue is that this entrepreneur is exploiting an asinine marketing plan.
Hmm? What? You thought I was going to say he exploited the homeless? Whatever. No one is forcing them to do this; in fact he’s giving them a job. Plus they are making easier money holding his sign than they make begging for spare change. Now back to my argument. Do you really want a guy standing on a street corner next to his poor little dog and all of his earthly possessions in a cardboard box as the face people associate with your budding business? Did I mention that the web site this guy runs is to connect gamblers from around the world? Hello? What message does this send? “If you use my web site, you could end up just like this man holding the sign when you gamble your life savings away. Check us out!”

Item Two: According to Phenomenamagazine.com, which we all know is a phenomenal news source, stated that “The film version of The Da Vinci Code is attempting to reduce the offence that the best-selling book caused to Roman Catholics.”
Analysis: Huh? So if you take out Mary Magdalene, the sacred feminine, Opus Dei, the Priory of Scion, the ritual sex scene, and the whole offspring of Jesus thing what are you left with? People chasing Tom Hanks around Paris for no reason. Might as well change the name to the Duh Boring Code. Some Catholic groups have asked that at the very least a disclaimer be added to the movie that reminds viewers that the story is fiction.
IT IS? That’s the first I heard, I thought Dan Brown was a prophet sent to reveal the truth of the Vatican’s millenia-long cover-up about an affair between Jesus and Mary Magdelene. If you can’t trust a fiction writer to tell the truth, who can you trust?
People, I’m sorry but can we all just giver each other a little more credit?

Wheh! I feel better. Don’t you. Yeah yeah I know bigger things are going on in the world. But these two things got me going. You’re lucky I didn’t attempt to analyze the dragon sighting in Tibet. Yeah, I’m totally not kidding about that one. Check it out: http://www.theepochtimes.com/news/5-8-7/31030.html#farko

Haikus for Kelley’s Bachelorette-You decide which one reflects the plans
Chick flicks and popcorn
Slumber party and gossip
Girlfriends hanging out

Booze, veils, anarchy
Prepare your bail money now
Revenge will be mine

Which one will it be? Bwahahaha. Start hydrating, girl.