Jaye Wells

Author Archives: Jayewells

Blah-Blah-Blahg

Well, that wasn’t too bad. No drama, no indigestion–a good Thanksgiving all around. Plus, I got to sleep in this morning, which is why this entry is being posted mid-morning.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what to talk about today. The weekend wil be filled with cleaning. I’ve also warned Mr. Jaye that I have a major case of the writes coming on. I haven’t written for a month, and it’s time I get back to it.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Thanks and Stuff

*
It’s Thanksgiving here in the States. Today, in honor of the this day of gratitude, I thought I’d do a soft and cuddly blog post about all the things I am thankful for.

But then I laughed and wrote this instead:

I am thankful for…
… my family–they always know which buttons to push.
… coffee, which prevents me from being evil.**
… my laptop–my portal to the Internets–which allows me to waste hours of my life.
… agents, without whom I would not have grown my rejection-deflecting blubber layer.
… my friends, who tell me when I’m being a dork, but like me anyway.
… bills, without them I’d have way too much money.
… Spawn, who always looks adorable just before he does something involving a crash, a stain, or a really bad smell.
… Mr. Jaye, who reminds me every day that I’m both the brains and the beauty in this outfit.
… Oscar, the coolest dog on earth, as well as the gassiest.
… reality TV, whose signal in space lets our future-alien overlords know how easy we’ll be to conquer.
… chocolate, for giving me my womanly figure.

And last but not least, I am thankful for…
… my blog readers, for giving me an audience.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’ll be back tomorrow after I recover from my food coma.

*Is it me, or is that picture really bizarre? Little turkey, on the way to your slaughter, we’re going to make you haul this cart containing the fork and knife we’ll use to eat you.
**This list was written at 6am.

What Book Are You?

I stole this from Sela who stole this from the other Jaye.


You’re Catch-22!

by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you
see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense
of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an
ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You
could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of
people.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

100 Things-Part Three

See Part One and Part Two

51. I like Martha Stewart.
52. Katie Couric annoys the crap out of me.
53. My nicknames are Jayebee and Jayebird.
54. My middle name is Catherine.
55. Mr. Jaye and I got engaged after only three months of dating.
56. Our wedding was at a museum.
57. I’m a recovering Catholic.
58. My mother is one of six kids and my dad was one of five.
59. I’m one quarter Cajun.
60. Steel Magnolias is one of the best movies ever.
61. I’m addicted to bath products. Thymes is my favorite line.
62. I’ve become one of those moms who gets liquored on just two glasses of wine.
63. I never thought I’d live in suburbia.
64. I used to work for a motivational speaker.
65. I love any movie by Mike Meyers, especially So I Married an Axe Murderer.
66. I almost got kicked out of a tattoo parlor by a man named Ice.
67. Ice died a week later (I didn’t do it).
68. I was in sign choir in elementary school. I signed the part of Diana Ross in We Are the World.
69. I played the oboe in band.
70. I only pretended to play it during recitals.
71. When I was in first grade, I got my ass kicked by a five year old. I should have known better than to take that bet.
72. I was a major Tom Boy. There is a picture of me in jeans, boots and a trucker hat before they were cool.
73. I have often been a fashion don’t.
74. My prom date ditched me, but I deserved it. He liked me and I didn’t want to lead him on, so I was a total bitch all night. I still regret that.
75. I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: I grow ginormous babies. Spawn was a twelve-pounder. Yes, it was a c-section. No, I will not be having more children.

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad….


I received an email from a mom at Spawn’s preschool who is starting a bible study. This woman and I are not friends, so she doesn’t know that’s totally not my thing. Since the prschool is attached to a church it’s not a big deals he’d send this to moms she doesn’t know.

However, what I found noteworthy was the program she wanted to base the meetings on.

Creative Corrections by: Lisa Whelchel Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline

Lisa Whelchel, best known for her role as Blair on the television sit com Facts of Life, offers a variety of creative ideas to help moms when time out and taking things away from their children seem to have lost their effectiveness. Lisa’s ideas are fresh, but they are based on God’s Word—the final word on discipline.

Yes, that’s right. This lady wants me to take parenting advice from Blair from The Facts of Life. I almost want to do it so I can blog about the meetings.

Theory

We’re taking a break from 100 things about Jaye today. To be continued on Monday after I have the weekend to think of 50 more interesting tidbits.

In the meantime, I have a theory I’d like to share.

Warning, this is scary:

Does anyone else think this picture is of a vampire?

Note the long, brown nails, pale skin and general creepiness. He has also been seen wearing a mask you see doctors wear–perfect for disguising fangs. Jesus Juice? It doesn’t take a theologian to figure out he means blood. The man is a blood-sucking member of the undead.

Discuss.

100 Things-Part Two

See Part One below…

26. If I spend too much time alone, I start to feel like I’m crazy.
27. My dog’s full name is Oscar Wilde One Wells.
28. Monty Python’s Holy Grail is one of my all-time favorite movies. I used to use it to screen friends. If they didn’t get it, they couldn’t be my friend.
29. My favorite meal is steamed artichokes, steak, asparagus, some kind of potato and a glass of red wine. Chocolate for dessert–the darker the better.
30. My son doesn’t know I smoke and never will if I can help it.
31. I’m glad I didn’t have a girl. Having a boy suits me.
32. I have a tattoo of an eight-point star on my right shoulder.
33. I will probably get another tattoo. Maybe when I finally publish my first book.
34. One of my biggest fears is that I am just another normal person, yet at the same time I fear being different.
35. I have penis envy.
36. I am intrigued by the mythology of vagina dentata.
37. I think I’m funny.
38. Sometimes I think my sense of humor makes people not take my intelligence seriously.
39. I have trouble asking for help when I really need it. I see it as a sign of weakness. Yet, I never think that about other people when they ask me for help.
40. My best friend and I look alike and even had the same maiden name. We are often mistaken for sisters.
41. My actual sister and I look nothing alike and our personalities are night and day.
42. My father died violently when I was 17.
43. I hate it when people give me that piteous look when I tell them that.
44. Sometimes in public places I still look for him.
45. Smell is my most developed sense. I sniff everything.
46. Sight is my worst sense. I’ve worn corrective lenses since kindergarten.
47. I want to live in the movie Stealing Beauty. Tuscany calls to me.
48. Sometimes a decision like buying bowls for my kitchen can cause me major anxiety. I can’t tell the difference between what I really like and what I think I should like.
49. When I came up with the name “Spawn” for my son on this blog, it didn’t occur to me it might relate to Spawn of Satan. I was thinking about salmon at the time.
50. I like to talk. If no one is around, I’ll have complete conversations with myself–out loud.

100 Things-Part One

1. My nickname in elementary school was Jabusa–Jabba the Hut plus Medusa–due to my fleshy body and permanent.
2. I joke about the name a lot, but it still makes me sad.
3. I cut my own hair when I was five. The resuting hairdo caused people to confuse me for a boy.
4. I bite my fingernails so much I sometimes draw blood.
5. I’m 5’7″. For years I thought I was an inch taller, and when I found out my real height I was upset.
6. My husband knows me better than any human on the planet. It amazes me he loves me anyway.
7. I was named after my grandfather. My mother forgot to add the “e” on my birth certificate, so legally my name is Jay.
8. I used to hate my name, but now I love it.
9. I regret not getting my Master’s degree in art history.
10. The first time I ever got drunk was in Russia when I was 14.
11. I’ve been to Mexico, Canada, Finland, Latvia, Estonia, The Ukraine, Russia, Germany, Jamaica, Grand Cayman and France.
12. Sometimes, when I sit on airplanes or am in crowds, I worry that there might be a psychic around who can read my dirty thoughts.
13. I was in a sorority in college. My job was to plan the parties, but everyone started complaining we were having too many. I still don’t see what was wrong with that.
14. I once but my butt through a wall while moving a heavy piece of furniture.
15. One time I inhaled old helium from a mylar balloon and it made me pass out for a second and hallucinate.
16. I had a well-deserved reputation in college. I’m still trying to decide if I regret it.
17. I was fired from a job at a bookstore in college because I never showed up. I stole an ARC from them for revenge. I still have it.
18. I used to shoplift candy when I was a kid. I got caught once but the clerk let me go.
19. My sister once tried to suck my brains out with a vaccuum hose.
20. My sister and I have a complex relationship.
21. Michael Jackson’s Thriller video scares the crap out of me.
22. I got punched in the face by a boy in elementary school. The teacher didn’t do anything about it.
23. I believe in astrology.
24. I have a scar on my right shin from running into a parked truck on my ten-speed when I was in sixth grade.
25. I got alcohol poisoning at my bachelorette party. My friends had to pay a large man to carry me out of the bar. I still can’t drink hard alcohol.

Don’t Be a Panty Waist

I have a new favorite phrase:

Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

I’m not sure where I heard it, but it stuck with me. Over the last couple of weeks, whever I felt overwhelmed or whiney, I’ve repeated it to myself. It’s amazing how effective it is.

Most days, I feel like I’m a fourteen year old masquerading as a woman. I have all the trappings of adulthood–a marriage, a kid, a mortgage, IRAs, etc–yet I go through life feeling like I don’t know what the heck I’m doing or how I ended up here.

Some people look at me and see a confident woman. But those who really know me, understand that beneath that I’m really a child. I like to blame it on being an Aries, the infant of the astrological pantheon. The unenlightened might call it immaturity. Fools.

There’s no point to this post other than to share my new favorite phrase. Next time you need a little pick me up, try saying it to yourself.

I guess if you’re a man you could say it, too. Although, I’m thinking the connotations for you might be different.

Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?

Last night I took a self-defense class. It was offered at the karate studio where Spawn is taking classes. I’d never taken self-defense so I grabbed a friend and we went.

The class was divided into two sections: the discussion and the ass kicking. Guess which part was my favorite?

Did you know it only takes 12lbs. of pressure to break an ACL in someone’s knee? One swift side kick and that sucker is history. We learned lots of fun maneuvers for getting out of tight spots and fun places to punch people. I even got to break one of the karate boards with a hammer punch. Hi-yaaaa!

Also, I have finally signed up for a My Space account. Of course, me finally singing up probably marks the beginning of the end for its popularity. There’s not a lot on there now, but check it out. Can someone tell me what it’s for other than adding people to your friend list? Since I have a blog, I don’t really need it for that. But if there’s something cool you can do, I’d love to hear about it. Also, does anyone know how to change the background?

That’s all for today. Hope you all have a good one.