Author Archives: Jayewells

Happy Monday to all of my loyal readers, all three of you. 🙂

Today’s Random Topic: Shoes
Shoes make women crazy. One day I was eating lunch at a crowded chain restaurant. I happened to look up from my conversation with my friends in time to see a woman walk past the half wall that I faced. Hmm, I thought, she’s very tall. Curious, I followed her as she moved beyond the wall. First I noticed the standard issue Sunday church dress, complete with sailor collar and floral print. I scanned down and almost choked on my quesadilla.
Her shoes? Clear lucite stiletto heels with an open toe. Now normally this would be enough for my inner fashion police to make a mental citizen’s arrest. But then I saw them: the flashing purple lights in the heels of the shoes. Not only did this woman had an affinity for hooker footwear, but she wanted to shout to the world “Me love you long time in my bad ass flashing shoes!”
The juxtaposition of the dress to the shoes was so beyond my comprehension that I felt the same way I do when I try to contemplate time travel or the concept of infinity–impending aneurysm. Look, I am not against flashing shoes per se. Spawn is very proud of his Elmo sandals that light up when he walks. The idea works well with children’s foot apparel because kids are cute and can carry off the novelty footwear. However, adults should never wear light-up shoes. Adults are not cute. Adding lights to already horrible shoes does not make them “cool” or “funky fresh” or whatever jargon the whipper snappers are using today. I have never quite recovered from the Infamous Flashy Ho Shoe Incident. But it just goes to prove that shoes make women insane in the membrane.

It was a pretty good weekend. I received the critique forms back form the contest judges. Two judges reviewed my submission. Some of their comments include:

“Interesting new story line–well-drawn characters”
“I can’t wait to read the rest”
“I was sorry there were only 14 pages. Iloved it!”
“I like the way this chick [Sydney, the heroine in the story] thinks!”
“I can’t wait until it’s published. I want to read all of it.”

Two out of two judges really liked my writing. Yay me! I am so pumped up from this feedack that I rewrote three chapters this weekend. Only 17 more to go. I also came up with the story ideas for the next three books in this series, including titles.

Haiku Mocking Victim of the Day: Mr. Jaye

A computer nerd
Like Lord Viper Scorpion
You can’t sing or dance

Amendment: Kelley recommended that I do Zach’s haiku in Yoda speak. So here goes.

Cyber nerd, you are
Battle the dark side, you should
Sing and dance, you don’t

Note form author: If you don’t get other people to start reading my blog then I will run out of people to mock. Please, save the “mocking haiku of the day” bit. Do it for the children.

That is all.

TGIF

Today’s Random Topic: Platypus

Did you know that the plural of platypus is both platypi and platypuses?How cool is that? Not only is the animal itself a freaky amalgamation of other animals but it’s one of the one nouns I know of that has your choce of plural endings. Now some pity the platypus. Not I. Imagine being so versatile. You’re a mammal but you can lay eggs. When you swim underwater you can close your eyes and ears; your extremely sensitive beak is all you need to navigate. In my opinion, the platypus is a wonder of evolution. Sure it’s a goofy looking little bastard. But that also adds to its appeal. Plus, don’t be so quick to write our friend off as harmless. I just found out that the male platypus has spurs on its hind legs. With a swift kick he can deliver enough venom from those spurs to kill a dog or make a human sick. So next time yo see a platypus, tip your hat and say “I salute you platypus: goofy but dangerous freak of evolution.”

Gosh, I bet you’re saying to yourself, “Thank heaven I have Jaye’s Blahg. I now have a compendium of useless facts and trivia to use at cocktail parties.” Imagine the impressed looks you’ll at yoru next party when you bust out with platypus factoids. No, no don’t thank me.

OK, things are looking good with the book. Last night I completed my story board. For those of you wondering what this entails I’ll tell you. I take a poster board and divide it into 20 squares (1 per chapter). Then I use large Post Its to write a synposis of each scene from each chapter. So each box may end up with 2 to 4 post its. I also color code the Post Its to indicate the point of view the scene is written in, i.e., pink for the heroine, blue for the hero, and yellow for a subcharacter. But the process isn’t complete until I have driven hubby crazy. “Argh, I hate this scene!” “Get me more Post Its!” “I am starting over-AGAIN.” “Get me a diet coke!” “I hate these characters!” I’m not positive but I think Zach secretly wears ear plugs then when he sees my mouth moving he says some appropriately supportive phrase. “You can do it, honey.” “Yes, dear.” “Uh huh.”

I decided I really, really like to mock my friends. Today’s victim is Kelley. I liked Em’s haiku so much I decided to use is as my trademark mocking tool.

The fruit loop sayer
Hijacking buses is wrong
You fall down a lot

If you’d like to be next, let me know.

Happy Thursday!

Random Topic of the Day: Pens
I am a pen-aholic. I have more pens in my home than I could possibly ever use. It’s interesting too that I write on a computer and not long-hand on paper. Thus my need for pens is further diminished. But still I buy pens. I only buy blue ink pens. Occassionally I’ll get crazy and buy a red one (but that’s the editor in me). OK this topic is really boring. The new topic of the day is that I couldn’t think of an interesting topic. Look, it happens. I can’t be witty every moment of the day, people. I promise to think of something really good for tomorrow’s post.

More good news. When the contest called to tell me about my placement they said I got third. But it turns out they were wrong: I tied for second! The book is going on to an editor who loves humorous parnormals. Actually he was the editor of one of my favorite authors, and my book is similar in tone to hers. Also, I think I figured out my plot–finally. So now I have to scramble to finish this book in case Mr. Editor wants to see more. It’s good to have something driving me to finish it.

Emily commented that she would really dig it if I mocked my friends. She even said she would love for me to mock her. While I protest that this may be a mine-ladden battlefield for our friendship, I have to do what the lady asks. So here goes. The mock will occur in Haiku format.

Purse hoarder, large head
Cat torture is not common
Stop organizing!

If you would like your very own mocking Haiku, or would like to be mocked in another fashion, please let me know. There is plenty of mock to go around.

Yay! Today was a good day! But first the business.

Random Topic of the Day: Seaweed

I asked Zach yesterday what a good random topic would be for my blahg. His first response was seaweed. He decided that was too random and we wdecided on keys. Anyway I was online today and found this article. Looks like the universe is demanding I talk about seaweed today.

Apparently a professor just released a cookbook based on seaweed. Those of us who enjoy sushi have eaten seaweed. It’s tolerable. I for one do not eat sushi because it tastes fantastic. I eat it because I like to pretend I am on an episode of Fear Factor. But that’s a topic for another blahg. Anyway this lady wants to revolutionize the average American’s daily diet to include this delicacy. She says it is low in fat, and has lots of vitamins and minerals. She also suggests that harvesting it is a great family activity. Her favorite way to eat it is to roast it and munch on it like chips.

First of all, the reason it’s low in fat and has lots of vitamins and minerals is that is tastes like funky paper. Nothing that healthy tastes good. It’s like God’s version of nutritional checks and balances. Anything that tastes good is bad for you and vice versa. Also if I want to “munch on something like chips” I will choose real chips. Seaweed has no place in the chip world. Corn and potato chips are the big boys on that block and they kick seaweed’s ass. Chips should be fatty and crunchy and salty. Just because seaweed comes from saltwater and crisps when roasted does not make it a good candidate for a snack food. It must meet all three criteria to be an actual chip. I won’t even go into the “the family that harvest seaweed together stays together” line of b.s. I think I have picked on seaweed enough for today.

Now for the good news. I found out today that I placed in a writing contest. I entered part of my book into a romance writing contest in the paranormal romance category. I placed third in that category. They will now send my manuscript, along with the other two finalists, to an editor at Dorchester publishing. If she likes it she may request to see more. This is really cool for many reasons. First, I only entered the contest to get my feet wet and get some feedback (but let’s be honest I really really hoped I’d place and the feedback excuse was only to save face if I didn’t). Two, an actual editor will read my stuff. Three, I know for sure that more than three people entered that category, any category with less than 7 entrants gets cancelled. So I was chosen over at least four other people, but probably more since paranormal is hot right now. So things are looking good. The ironic part is that less than an hour before I got that call I was ready to throw my book in a drawer and never look at it again. So now I have some encouragement to finish the darned thing.

Random Idea of the Day to Replace Random Question of the Day:
This is where I will try to think of a new feature to replace the failed RQOTD feature.

Today’s idea: I could do mercilessly mock one of my friends each day since they were too good to answer my questions.

Chew on that.

Happy Tuesday.

Today’s Random Topic: Keys
Keys are handy. They unlock things. Happy times, right? But if you don’t have a key or have the wrong key: not so happy. Keys can also be our enemies. For instance, when you are outside of the house and your three-year-old is inside with the key that locks the deadbolt. Yes, I was outsmarted by my son. Luckily the back door was unlocked. But I did have a few heartstopping moments as I peered through the window on my front door and saw my spawn laughing at me. As I raced around the house and through the back gate I imagined him at the back door waiting for me with an evil grin as he clicked that lock too. I think he and the dog are plotting against me. Luckily it all ended well. But it is humbling to realize that 30 years of living and a college degree are no match for a toddler bent on mischief.

I am so done with summer. I always reach a point, usually when my shirt is plastered to me with sweat as I walk from my car into a store, where I actually fantasize about fall weather. Sweaters and jeans, crisp apples and candy corns, the smoky scent of dried leaves crunching under your boots, the chill wind making you tug your leather jacket tighter around yourself even as you take a deep breath that burns your lungs with cold. Ah fall. My most favorite of seasons. I am anxious to buy school supplies and plan Austin’s Halloween costume. I always see fall as a time for new beginnings. Perhaps this feeling is left over from my school days when nothing beat the excitement of a new school year approaching. The feeling lasted until about the third day when the homework began. Alas, we have a couple more months of searing heat to look forward to, but I will content myself with the knowledge that soon the leaves will fall and then I will be bitching that it’s too damned cold.

Random question of the day: What new feature to Jaye’s Blahg would you suggest to replace the failure known as “Random Question of the Day?”

Good morning! Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Random topic of the day: Dreams

I had a dream last night that Emily, my best friend, was talking to someone else. Then she said to the other person, while looking directly at me, “Jaye is a scaredy cat.” I was so hurt by her declaration that I ran off into the night.
Have you ever had a dream that was so real that when you woke up you had a hard time separating it from reality? I woke up a little upset. At Emily. How dare she call me a scaredy cat! What sucks about dreams is that sometimes they mean nothing, just your subconscious filtering through random things. But other times there are messages there. Sometimes they’re hidden and sometimes they come across crystal clear. Do I think Emily really thinks I am a scaredy cat? Nah. But do I think that the scaredy cat accusation was a message from my subconscious to live more boldly. Maybe. Who knows. Until I figure it out I will be curled up in the fetal position under my bed.

The weekend with hubby was great. When you have a kid it’s so hard to remember that you need that time alone together to be a couple. I’ll admit that I got emotional when my plan for the perfect time ran into some hiccups, but I realize now that the plan doesn’t matter. The presents don’t matter. The restaurant, the dress, the song playing at dinner: the trappings don’t matter. What matters is being with each other. After all, that’s why I married him. I love spending time with him. He makes me laugh and we could have fun together anywhere. So honey, I’m sorry I got emotional when my controlling nature tried to dictate everything. I am trying to embrace the chaos and go with the flow from now on. Just bear with me.

OK, I know you have been anxiously waiting to know the new question of the week so you can not answer it. In fact, I would like to issue a challenge. Let’s see how long I can go without anyone commenting. I dare you to ignore my questions!

Random Question of the Day: If you could live anywhere in the world (money and logistics no object) where would it be and why?

Have a great day.

Happy Friday.

Random Topic of the Day: Coffee
Ode to Coffee:
Oh sweet, sweet nectar.
Oh dark mistress.
I bow unto your wonderful caffeinatedness.
Without you my family would leave me,
For I am a mighty beast in the mornings.
-Fin-

Not much is happening in my world today. I am trying to decide on an activity to amuse both Spawn and myself. So far I am drawing a blank. He’s easy to please, if it involves running, toys, or food he’s golden. You already know my take on the whole running issue, so that leaves toys and/or food. I am sick of McDonald’s. Why can’t Corner Bakery or La Madelene have play areas? Anyone who is smart enough to think to put a play area in a restaurant where moms actually want to eat will make a killing.

So happy it’s the weekend. For those who don’t know, it’s Zach and my sixth anniversary on Sunday. We’re getting a hotel in downtown and going out for a nice dinner tomorrow. Em and John are coming to have a sleep over with Spawn. I don’t know who’s more excited about that. Spawn LOVES Uncle Emmy and Aunt Johnny. But I think the Armours like to play with Spawn a lot too. So it should be a fun night for everyone.

Random Question: What do I have to do to get you people to answer my questions?

Hi.

Random topic of the day: Running

When I was pregnant and huge, I used to have dreams about running. It was a cry for help from my bloated body: “Please help me, I am so tired of hauling all this weight around I would even run.” I say “even run” because runing to me is an unecessary evil in life. What’s wrong with walking, I ask. A couple of weeks ago I talked to my friend, Kelley, she apparently had taken a spill while running. In fact, she scrappedup both herself and her engagement ring pretty badly. However, my first question for her was not “Are you ok?” Instead, I asked: “Who was chasing you?” It is beyond my comprehension why any sane person would choose to run without the benefit of a pursuer.
I blame my aversion to running on my lack of any sort of athletic prowess. Need someone for your Wednesday night trivia team? I’m your gal. Want someone who will commiserate with you and confirm that all people are assholes? Bingo. Need someone for your club soccer team or the office softball team? Don’t ask me, you’ll regret it. When I played soccer in the 4th grade we lost every damn game–except for the one I didn’t show up to. Coincidence? I think not.
I think secretly I would like to be a sporty chick. You know, I could wear cute workout outfits and be peppy all the time. Maybe I would be less sarcastic and angst ridden. But I think the angsty neurotic stuff is part of my charm. Here is an example of what a blahg posting done by “Sporty Jaye” : “Hi Guys! Golly what a beautiful day! I am just sitting here thinking about how great the world is and how lucky I am to have such great friends. Friends are the flowers of my life….” Gag.
So no running for me. Unless an angry horde is involved. Then I might be able to muster a half-hearted jog.

For those of you wondering (anyone?), my critique group went very well last night. It’s a diverse group of women and it’s nice to have some “professional” feedback. They even thought I was funny! Go figure. Apparently I might actually have some talent. Unfortunately they did catch onto the fact that I have no idea how my story is going to end and I have major plot gaps. So some major plotting is necessary over the next few weeks. But at least things are progressing. If anyone has any ideas how to make a woman accidentaly become a vampire, I am welcoming suggestions. If you come up with the best idea I’ll give you a credit in my book.

Random question of the day: What is your favorite book character and why?

Talk at you tomorrow.

Quick one today.

Random Topic of the Day: Sowbelly Pills

I received an email in my inbox yesterday that included this somewhat intriguing line:
“Want to know how to save over 60% on your sowbelly piIls?” (sic)

What? Sowbelly pills? Someone please explain to me what condition would be so horrible that one would have to resort to ingesting sowbelly. A quick search on google revealed numerous links to penis growth and “Staying power” web sites. I’m sorry, but if you’re trying to be sexy, telling a woman that your prowess is due to the miracle of sowbelly just ruins the mood. Although it does give a whole knew meaning to the term “porking.” Also, unless I am incorrect, a sow’s belly is made up of–hmm, what could it be?–FAT. Why not just drink a cup of lard, guys? Hold on baby, I gotta go drink my lard befre I can sex you up. Ok, I have to stop thinking about this.

Tonight is my first critique group meeting. Please send good chi into the universe for me that my dreams don’t crash and burn tonight. How’s that for a “glass is half full” outlook?

Thank you, hubby and Jennifer E., for your comments. Jennifer wins because she answered all the questions.

Aren’t you people jealous? It could have been you who was immortalized. But no, you’re too good to answer my questions. Luckily, there is a chance today to redeem yourself.

Random Question of the Day: What is the strangest beauty or health routine you’ve ever used?

Here’s mine: I used to use that Mane and Tail stuff they use on horse’s coats on my hair to make it thick. It worked, but it also gave my hair the constency of straw.
My aunt uses this stuff called Pig Paste, I guess they give it to pigs for something, but she uses it for indigestion. It actually looks like a tube of toothpaste, except for pigs.

Hmm. Pig Paste? Sowbelly? I sense a theme today. Ok I am signing off, so I don’t hog the internet. (God, I’m witty.)

Jaye

P.S. Zivy and I are still waiting to give out advice. People, it’s free. Throw us a bone here.

Good morning! First the kudos: Yay, Lina! Thanks for taking the time to answer the Random Question. You’re right, an extra arm would be pretty handy. (Get it? Handy?)

Look people, Lina has a newborn and she had time to answer the question. What’s your excuse? Oh, you think my question sucked? I’ll try better today. But first on to other business.

Random Topic of the Day: Moose

Have you ever stopped to ponder the majestic moose? Actually majestic isn’t really appropriate. When I was in Montana once I saw a couple of moose at pretty close range. Frankly, moose are goofy. Yes, they could squash you easily; they’re tall and have huge antlers (I think that’s what they call them on moose). But they have these big noses, floppy ears, and legs too skinny and long for their bodies. They kind of lumber around. And furthermore who the heck came up with the grammar rules regarding the moose? They should be shot. Seriously, the name does nothing to add to the animal’s dignity. The word “moose” itself is pretty silly, but the plural is just ridiculous. An example: Several moose are silly. See? It just sounds wrong. Why not “mooses”? What is wrong with that? Let’s all take a moment today to consider the injustices imposed on our friend the moose.

Spawn anecdote alert! Yesterday, Mr. Jaye had to go to the Ranger’s game for work (don’t get me started). So Spawn and I decided to go to McDonald’s for dinner. He could play and I could eat in peace. Good deal for everyone. But we had to go to a specific McDonald’s, or Old McDonald’s as Spawn calls it. This special McDonald’s has foosball. My child discovered this game last week and frankly hasn’t stopped talking about it sense. What is it with males and foosball? I guess it’s a testosterone thing. So Spawn had a grand time climbing in the Play Land tunnels and slides in between pushing his way into other people’s foosball games. After a few minutes I realized I hadn’t seen in him a while. So I get up and around the corner he is sitting at someone else’s table. The mom and her son were eating ice cream. As I walked up I heard the joy of my loins say “Where’s my ice cream?” Yes, my child was begging a stranger for food. I had to buy him a cookie to get him to leave with me. Sigh.

OK, you’ve been waiting anxiously for the question of the day. I can feel the eagerness to answer my inquiries radiating through the screen. Today I am asking more than one question to up the odds of receiving interesting responses. Are you ready?

Wait for it.

Random Questions of the Day:
What word or words make you cringe?
What is your favorite all time Saturday Night Live Skit?
What is the weirdest meal or dish you have ever eaten?

Have fun! As usual, the best answers get recognition tomorrow.

Cheers!