Author Archives: Jayewells

Random Topic: Saketini
I discovered this weekend that I am way too old to drink more than an occassional glass of wine. The culprit: saketinis. Many many saketinis. Well actually I have some rum, gingerale concotion first and then moved on to the saketinis. I am here to tell yout that saketinis will sock it to you–a fact I announced loudly several times at Emily’s birthday party on Saturday night. I was not talking so loud Sunday morning when I had to get up to go to a family gathering at my granparent’s house. My penance for overindulgence was playing dutiful granddaughter with a queasy stomach and trying to wrangle a grumpy toddler. I don’t think it would have been so bad had I not also had a mojito bender on Thursday night. I am such a lush.

OK so what’s up. Hmm. Let’s see. Oh, is anyone else’s month crazy insane with events? With showers. birthdays,etc. I have every weekend booked and then some. People let’s stop having sex in November. Let’s spread the birthdays out a bit shall we? Look I know I am as guilty as everyone else since my own precious son’s birthday is on Aug. 20. But this is a do as I say not as I do proposition.

Haiku time!

Haiku for my family:
You are all crazy
Miracle Two is for freaks
Was I adopted?

Good morning. Pardon me if there are a lot of mistakes. It’s the mojito’s fault. The many, many mojitos.

First of all let me say HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY to Emily! Hope it’s a good one, Red.
Also I received a lecture from the birthday girl last night for not giving her credit for suggesting the idea of the online dating blunder blog from two days ago. So, thanks Emily.

Random topic of the day: Emily’s Birthday Party
We are celebrating Mrs. Armour’s brthday tomorrow night. She knows there’s a party but not the theme. I can’t hold it in any longer. I have to tell her.
Emily, it’s an Elvis birthday for you! Are you excited? Elvis Herselvis will be making a return appearance. For those of you who don’t know: Emily was hit on by a female Elvis impersonator at her 21st birthday. I believe Miss Herselvis even gave Emily a gift–a gold lame scarf. I bet if you look in all the boxes Emily and John have stacked up in their house right now you would find that scarf. In addition to the live entertainment, we’ll serve fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches and Jack Daniels. Oh yeah, see the midget for your requisite qualudes. Favors will include Elvis sunglasses, a set of lamb chop sideburns, and, of course, an rainbow assortment of uppers and downers to help you get through the day.
Anyway, I hope I didn’t ruin the surprise. After all John is going to have to get her into polyster jumpsuit before she comes over anyway. Girl, I picked it out myself. I hope you like the eagle made of rhinestones, elbow maccaroni, and sequins that I painstakingly fashioned on the back. The excrutiating hot glue burns were worth it.
Mocking Haiku of the Day: I already published Emily’s haiku, but I promised Suz that she would be the next victim. You people are gluttons for haiku punishment, aren’t you?

Suzanne’s Haiku, compsed in the style of a legalease
Torts and cheesy pouf
Many dictum you have known
Litigious napper

Have a good day!

No random topic today–just haikus galore.

Austin’s Haiku:
Darling and Demon
Precocious clown and mimic
Why can’t you sit still?

Haiku for the Jews:
You wear yarmulkes
Unleavened bread and Seder
Why all the kvetching?

Tom Cruise’s Haiku
Why all the crazy?
Katie is now a zombie
L. Ron Hubbard sucks

Haiku for Oprah
Oh, goddess of talk
Is Gayle your friend or lover?
Poor Steadman is whipped.
(Note: Oprah, I am just kidding, girl. Call me!)

Hope you enjoyed the haiku goodness. Have a great day.

Hiya!

Random Topic: Ok today I am doing something different. First, Kelley wanted me to telle veryone about a fabulous new product she discovered. They’re called “Strappy Strips” for slingbacks.
Kelley said , “I can now wear slingbacks without them falling down! It also says to put them on any strap that digs or rubs. Fabulous. I may go door to door with these puppies!” Quite an endorsement. Kelley said she got hers at the Stewart Weitzman Store, but she would bet that Sephora carries them too. I found them on drugstore.com too.
Also for your viewing pleasure, I am submitting a couple of fun links.
I found these on the Katie MacAlister website (www.katiemacalister.com). She’s an author of hilarious paranormal and historical romance and suspense. Anyway, she posted these on her own blog, so I can’t take credit for discovering them. Be prepared to waste a lot of time with these beauties.
First is a collection of satirical analysis of various fashion patterns and trends throughout the 20th century. Hilarious commentary. http://www.threadbared.com/
Second, a really great time waster. You get to adjust the model’s appearance to reflect your own features and dress her. Then you get to watch yourself get dressed! It’s sounds lame, but it’s pretty fun. http://www.watchmechange.com/
I have decided that I will now shamelessly promote products on my blog in the hopes that sponsorship will follow. After all, how many wealthy writers do you personally know? Sure that Rowling chick is richer than God, and James Patterson and Dan Brown are doing pretty well. But most writer’s live off the coolness factor of saying their a writer more than the actual advances. Others do it for a pure love of storytelling. Why do I do it, you ask? I want to get on Oprah.

Mocking haiku of the day:

Zivy’s Haiku, in the style of Australia
By Jaye Wells, bard

Hear the dingos cry
Backward thongs chaffe down under
You’re very short, mate

Have a great day!

Happy Monday to all of my loyal readers, all three of you. 🙂

Today’s Random Topic: Shoes
Shoes make women crazy. One day I was eating lunch at a crowded chain restaurant. I happened to look up from my conversation with my friends in time to see a woman walk past the half wall that I faced. Hmm, I thought, she’s very tall. Curious, I followed her as she moved beyond the wall. First I noticed the standard issue Sunday church dress, complete with sailor collar and floral print. I scanned down and almost choked on my quesadilla.
Her shoes? Clear lucite stiletto heels with an open toe. Now normally this would be enough for my inner fashion police to make a mental citizen’s arrest. But then I saw them: the flashing purple lights in the heels of the shoes. Not only did this woman had an affinity for hooker footwear, but she wanted to shout to the world “Me love you long time in my bad ass flashing shoes!”
The juxtaposition of the dress to the shoes was so beyond my comprehension that I felt the same way I do when I try to contemplate time travel or the concept of infinity–impending aneurysm. Look, I am not against flashing shoes per se. Spawn is very proud of his Elmo sandals that light up when he walks. The idea works well with children’s foot apparel because kids are cute and can carry off the novelty footwear. However, adults should never wear light-up shoes. Adults are not cute. Adding lights to already horrible shoes does not make them “cool” or “funky fresh” or whatever jargon the whipper snappers are using today. I have never quite recovered from the Infamous Flashy Ho Shoe Incident. But it just goes to prove that shoes make women insane in the membrane.

It was a pretty good weekend. I received the critique forms back form the contest judges. Two judges reviewed my submission. Some of their comments include:

“Interesting new story line–well-drawn characters”
“I can’t wait to read the rest”
“I was sorry there were only 14 pages. Iloved it!”
“I like the way this chick [Sydney, the heroine in the story] thinks!”
“I can’t wait until it’s published. I want to read all of it.”

Two out of two judges really liked my writing. Yay me! I am so pumped up from this feedack that I rewrote three chapters this weekend. Only 17 more to go. I also came up with the story ideas for the next three books in this series, including titles.

Haiku Mocking Victim of the Day: Mr. Jaye

A computer nerd
Like Lord Viper Scorpion
You can’t sing or dance

Amendment: Kelley recommended that I do Zach’s haiku in Yoda speak. So here goes.

Cyber nerd, you are
Battle the dark side, you should
Sing and dance, you don’t

Note form author: If you don’t get other people to start reading my blog then I will run out of people to mock. Please, save the “mocking haiku of the day” bit. Do it for the children.

That is all.

TGIF

Today’s Random Topic: Platypus

Did you know that the plural of platypus is both platypi and platypuses?How cool is that? Not only is the animal itself a freaky amalgamation of other animals but it’s one of the one nouns I know of that has your choce of plural endings. Now some pity the platypus. Not I. Imagine being so versatile. You’re a mammal but you can lay eggs. When you swim underwater you can close your eyes and ears; your extremely sensitive beak is all you need to navigate. In my opinion, the platypus is a wonder of evolution. Sure it’s a goofy looking little bastard. But that also adds to its appeal. Plus, don’t be so quick to write our friend off as harmless. I just found out that the male platypus has spurs on its hind legs. With a swift kick he can deliver enough venom from those spurs to kill a dog or make a human sick. So next time yo see a platypus, tip your hat and say “I salute you platypus: goofy but dangerous freak of evolution.”

Gosh, I bet you’re saying to yourself, “Thank heaven I have Jaye’s Blahg. I now have a compendium of useless facts and trivia to use at cocktail parties.” Imagine the impressed looks you’ll at yoru next party when you bust out with platypus factoids. No, no don’t thank me.

OK, things are looking good with the book. Last night I completed my story board. For those of you wondering what this entails I’ll tell you. I take a poster board and divide it into 20 squares (1 per chapter). Then I use large Post Its to write a synposis of each scene from each chapter. So each box may end up with 2 to 4 post its. I also color code the Post Its to indicate the point of view the scene is written in, i.e., pink for the heroine, blue for the hero, and yellow for a subcharacter. But the process isn’t complete until I have driven hubby crazy. “Argh, I hate this scene!” “Get me more Post Its!” “I am starting over-AGAIN.” “Get me a diet coke!” “I hate these characters!” I’m not positive but I think Zach secretly wears ear plugs then when he sees my mouth moving he says some appropriately supportive phrase. “You can do it, honey.” “Yes, dear.” “Uh huh.”

I decided I really, really like to mock my friends. Today’s victim is Kelley. I liked Em’s haiku so much I decided to use is as my trademark mocking tool.

The fruit loop sayer
Hijacking buses is wrong
You fall down a lot

If you’d like to be next, let me know.

Happy Thursday!

Random Topic of the Day: Pens
I am a pen-aholic. I have more pens in my home than I could possibly ever use. It’s interesting too that I write on a computer and not long-hand on paper. Thus my need for pens is further diminished. But still I buy pens. I only buy blue ink pens. Occassionally I’ll get crazy and buy a red one (but that’s the editor in me). OK this topic is really boring. The new topic of the day is that I couldn’t think of an interesting topic. Look, it happens. I can’t be witty every moment of the day, people. I promise to think of something really good for tomorrow’s post.

More good news. When the contest called to tell me about my placement they said I got third. But it turns out they were wrong: I tied for second! The book is going on to an editor who loves humorous parnormals. Actually he was the editor of one of my favorite authors, and my book is similar in tone to hers. Also, I think I figured out my plot–finally. So now I have to scramble to finish this book in case Mr. Editor wants to see more. It’s good to have something driving me to finish it.

Emily commented that she would really dig it if I mocked my friends. She even said she would love for me to mock her. While I protest that this may be a mine-ladden battlefield for our friendship, I have to do what the lady asks. So here goes. The mock will occur in Haiku format.

Purse hoarder, large head
Cat torture is not common
Stop organizing!

If you would like your very own mocking Haiku, or would like to be mocked in another fashion, please let me know. There is plenty of mock to go around.

Yay! Today was a good day! But first the business.

Random Topic of the Day: Seaweed

I asked Zach yesterday what a good random topic would be for my blahg. His first response was seaweed. He decided that was too random and we wdecided on keys. Anyway I was online today and found this article. Looks like the universe is demanding I talk about seaweed today.

Apparently a professor just released a cookbook based on seaweed. Those of us who enjoy sushi have eaten seaweed. It’s tolerable. I for one do not eat sushi because it tastes fantastic. I eat it because I like to pretend I am on an episode of Fear Factor. But that’s a topic for another blahg. Anyway this lady wants to revolutionize the average American’s daily diet to include this delicacy. She says it is low in fat, and has lots of vitamins and minerals. She also suggests that harvesting it is a great family activity. Her favorite way to eat it is to roast it and munch on it like chips.

First of all, the reason it’s low in fat and has lots of vitamins and minerals is that is tastes like funky paper. Nothing that healthy tastes good. It’s like God’s version of nutritional checks and balances. Anything that tastes good is bad for you and vice versa. Also if I want to “munch on something like chips” I will choose real chips. Seaweed has no place in the chip world. Corn and potato chips are the big boys on that block and they kick seaweed’s ass. Chips should be fatty and crunchy and salty. Just because seaweed comes from saltwater and crisps when roasted does not make it a good candidate for a snack food. It must meet all three criteria to be an actual chip. I won’t even go into the “the family that harvest seaweed together stays together” line of b.s. I think I have picked on seaweed enough for today.

Now for the good news. I found out today that I placed in a writing contest. I entered part of my book into a romance writing contest in the paranormal romance category. I placed third in that category. They will now send my manuscript, along with the other two finalists, to an editor at Dorchester publishing. If she likes it she may request to see more. This is really cool for many reasons. First, I only entered the contest to get my feet wet and get some feedback (but let’s be honest I really really hoped I’d place and the feedback excuse was only to save face if I didn’t). Two, an actual editor will read my stuff. Three, I know for sure that more than three people entered that category, any category with less than 7 entrants gets cancelled. So I was chosen over at least four other people, but probably more since paranormal is hot right now. So things are looking good. The ironic part is that less than an hour before I got that call I was ready to throw my book in a drawer and never look at it again. So now I have some encouragement to finish the darned thing.

Random Idea of the Day to Replace Random Question of the Day:
This is where I will try to think of a new feature to replace the failed RQOTD feature.

Today’s idea: I could do mercilessly mock one of my friends each day since they were too good to answer my questions.

Chew on that.

Happy Tuesday.

Today’s Random Topic: Keys
Keys are handy. They unlock things. Happy times, right? But if you don’t have a key or have the wrong key: not so happy. Keys can also be our enemies. For instance, when you are outside of the house and your three-year-old is inside with the key that locks the deadbolt. Yes, I was outsmarted by my son. Luckily the back door was unlocked. But I did have a few heartstopping moments as I peered through the window on my front door and saw my spawn laughing at me. As I raced around the house and through the back gate I imagined him at the back door waiting for me with an evil grin as he clicked that lock too. I think he and the dog are plotting against me. Luckily it all ended well. But it is humbling to realize that 30 years of living and a college degree are no match for a toddler bent on mischief.

I am so done with summer. I always reach a point, usually when my shirt is plastered to me with sweat as I walk from my car into a store, where I actually fantasize about fall weather. Sweaters and jeans, crisp apples and candy corns, the smoky scent of dried leaves crunching under your boots, the chill wind making you tug your leather jacket tighter around yourself even as you take a deep breath that burns your lungs with cold. Ah fall. My most favorite of seasons. I am anxious to buy school supplies and plan Austin’s Halloween costume. I always see fall as a time for new beginnings. Perhaps this feeling is left over from my school days when nothing beat the excitement of a new school year approaching. The feeling lasted until about the third day when the homework began. Alas, we have a couple more months of searing heat to look forward to, but I will content myself with the knowledge that soon the leaves will fall and then I will be bitching that it’s too damned cold.

Random question of the day: What new feature to Jaye’s Blahg would you suggest to replace the failure known as “Random Question of the Day?”

Good morning! Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Random topic of the day: Dreams

I had a dream last night that Emily, my best friend, was talking to someone else. Then she said to the other person, while looking directly at me, “Jaye is a scaredy cat.” I was so hurt by her declaration that I ran off into the night.
Have you ever had a dream that was so real that when you woke up you had a hard time separating it from reality? I woke up a little upset. At Emily. How dare she call me a scaredy cat! What sucks about dreams is that sometimes they mean nothing, just your subconscious filtering through random things. But other times there are messages there. Sometimes they’re hidden and sometimes they come across crystal clear. Do I think Emily really thinks I am a scaredy cat? Nah. But do I think that the scaredy cat accusation was a message from my subconscious to live more boldly. Maybe. Who knows. Until I figure it out I will be curled up in the fetal position under my bed.

The weekend with hubby was great. When you have a kid it’s so hard to remember that you need that time alone together to be a couple. I’ll admit that I got emotional when my plan for the perfect time ran into some hiccups, but I realize now that the plan doesn’t matter. The presents don’t matter. The restaurant, the dress, the song playing at dinner: the trappings don’t matter. What matters is being with each other. After all, that’s why I married him. I love spending time with him. He makes me laugh and we could have fun together anywhere. So honey, I’m sorry I got emotional when my controlling nature tried to dictate everything. I am trying to embrace the chaos and go with the flow from now on. Just bear with me.

OK, I know you have been anxiously waiting to know the new question of the week so you can not answer it. In fact, I would like to issue a challenge. Let’s see how long I can go without anyone commenting. I dare you to ignore my questions!

Random Question of the Day: If you could live anywhere in the world (money and logistics no object) where would it be and why?

Have a great day.